Eternity With Family

I Always Want to be With My Own Family

Every time I look at the picture above, it makes me smile to think of the utter joy I was feeling when it was taken. This was the first time my family had been together in 2 years, as my son had been serving as a missionary in New York City. The sacrifice of sending a child on a mission brings home the gratitude I feel for the promise of eternal families. Our loving Father in Heaven has provided a plan that enables us to continue the precious relationships we develop here on the Earth into the eternities. Choosing to walk the path of life with an eternal companion at your side, and the knowledge that your children are sealed to you forever is the greatest joy that can be felt. Make the sacrifices necessary to be clean and worthy of that companion when your paths cross. 

Elder Robert D. Hales gave a beautiful talk entitled "The Eternal Family" that can strengthen your testimony of the Plan of Salvation and eternal families specifically. I tried to pick some quotes, but finally decided it was too good not to post the whole talk. It's worth the time to read, I promise!

"I wish to speak to all those who would like to know about eternal families and about families being forever. One year ago the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints issued a proclamation to the world concerning the family. It summarizes eternal gospel principles that have been taught since the beginning of recorded history and even before the earth was created.

The doctrine of the family begins with heavenly parents. Our highest aspiration is to be like them. The Apostle Paul taught that God is the father of our spirits (see Heb. 12:9). From the proclamation we read, 'In the premortal realm, spirit sons and daughters knew and worshiped God as their Eternal Father and accepted His plan by which His children could obtain a physical body and gain earthly experience to progress toward perfection and ultimately realize his or her divine destiny as an heir of eternal life.' The proclamation also reiterates to the world that 'marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children' ('The Family: A Proclamation to the World,' Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

From the earliest beginnings, God established the family and made it eternal. Adam and Eve were sealed in marriage for time and all eternity:

'And thus all things were confirmed unto Adam, by an holy ordinance, and the Gospel preached, and a decree sent forth, that it should be in the world, until the end thereof; and thus it was' (Moses 5:59).

'And Adam knew his wife, and she bare unto him sons and daughters, and they began to multiply and to replenish the earth' (Moses 5:2).

The Savior Himself spoke of this sacred marriage covenant and promise when He gave the authority to His disciples to bind in heaven sacred covenants made on earth:

'And I will give unto thee the keys of the kingdom of heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven' (Matt. 16:19).

In this latter day the promise of eternal families was restored in 1829 when the powers of the Melchizedek Priesthood were restored to the earth. Seven years later, in the Kirtland Temple, the keys to perform the sealing ordinances were restored, as recorded in the Doctrine and Covenants:

'Elijah the prophet, who was taken to heaven without tasting death, stood before us, and said:

'Behold, the time has fully come, which was spoken of by the mouth of Malachi— …

'… The keys of this dispensation are committed into your hands' (D&C 110:13–14, 16).

With the restoration of these keys and priesthood authority comes the opportunity for all who are worthy to receive the blessings of eternal families. “Yea the hearts of thousands and tens of thousands shall greatly rejoice in consequence of the blessings which shall be poured out, and the endowment with which my servants have been endowed in this house' (D&C 110:9).

What is the promise of these sealings which are performed in the temples? The Lord outlines the promise and requirements in this sacred verse:

'And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed this power and the keys of this priesthood; and it shall be said unto them—Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection; and if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, dominions, all heights and depths—then shall it be written in the Lamb’s Book of Life … and shall be of full force when they are out of the world; and they shall pass by the angels, and the gods, which are set there, to their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a continuation of the seeds forever and ever' (D&C 132:19).

As taught in this scripture, an eternal bond doesn’t just happen as a result of sealing covenants we make in the temple. How we conduct ourselves in this life will determine what we will be in all the eternities to come. To receive the blessings of the sealing that our Heavenly Father has given to us, we have to keep the commandments and conduct ourselves in such a way that our families will want to live with us in the eternities. The family relationships we have here on this earth are important, but they are much more important for their effect on our families for generations in mortality and throughout all eternity.

By divine commandment, spouses are required to love each other above all others. The Lord clearly declares, 'Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else' (D&C 42:22). The proclamation states: 'By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families [see D&C 83:2–4; 1 Tim. 5:8]. [By divine design,] mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.' By divine design, husband and wife are equal partners in their marriage and parental responsibilities. By direct commandment of God, 'parents have a sacred duty … to teach [their children] to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens [in the countries where they reside]' (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102; emphasis added; see D&C 68:25–28; Mosiah 4:14–15).

Because of the importance of the family to the eternal plan of happiness, Satan makes a major effort to destroy the sanctity of the family, demean the importance of the role of men and women, encourage moral uncleanliness and violations of the sacred law of chastity, and to discourage parents from placing the bearing and rearing of children as one of their highest priorities.

So fundamental is the family unit to the plan of salvation that God has declared a warning that those 'individuals who violate covenants of chastity, who abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities will one day stand accountable before God [their maker]. … The disintegration of the family will bring upon individuals, communities, and nations the calamities foretold by ancient and modern prophets' (Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102).

While our individual salvation is based on our individual obedience, it is equally important that we understand that we are each an important and integral part of a family and the highest blessings can be received only within an eternal family. When families are functioning as designed by God, the relationships found therein are the most valued of mortality. The plan of the Father is that family love and companionship will continue into the eternities. Being one in a family carries a great responsibility of caring, loving, lifting, and strengthening each member of the family so that all can righteously endure to the end in mortality and dwell together throughout eternity. It is not enough just to save ourselves. It is equally important that parents, brothers, and sisters are saved in our families. If we return home alone to our Heavenly Father, we will be asked, 'Where is the rest of the family?' This is why we teach that families are forever. The eternal nature of an individual becomes the eternal nature of the family.

The eternal nature of our body and our spirit is a question often pondered by those who live in mortality. All people who will ever live on earth are members of a human family and are eternal children of God, our loving Heavenly Father. After birth and tasting of death in mortality, all will be resurrected because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God the Father. Depending on our individual obedience to the laws, ordinances, and commandments of God, each mortal can have the blessing of attaining eternal life; that is, returning to live in the presence of their Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, having eternal increase for all the eternities to come. Through making and keeping the sacred covenants found in the temple ordinances, individuals can return to the presence of God and will be reunited with their families eternally.

The home is where we are nurtured and where we prepare ourselves for living in mortality. It is also where we prepare ourselves for death and for immortality because of our belief and understanding that there is life after death, not only for the individual but also for the family.

Some of the greatest lessons of gospel principles about the eternal nature of the family are learned as we observe how members of the Church, when faced with adversity, apply gospel principles in their lives and in their homes. In the past year I have witnessed the blessings of joy which come to those who honor and revere the gospel teaching of the eternal family during times of adversity in their lives.

A few months ago I had the opportunity of visiting a man who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. As a devoted priesthood holder, he was confronted with the realities of mortality. He found strength, however, in the example of the Savior, who said, in the Lord’s Prayer, 'After this manner therefore pray ye: … Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven' (Matt. 6:9–10). My friend took courage in knowing that as Jesus was required to endure great pain and agony in the Garden of Gethsemane while completing the atoning sacrifice, He uttered the words, 'O my Father, if this cup may not pass away from me, except I drink it, thy will be done' (Matt. 26:42).

My friend came to accept the phrase 'Thy will be done' as he faced his own poignant trials and tribulations. As a faithful member of the Church, he was now confronted with some sobering concerns. Particularly touching were his questions, 'Have I done all that I need to do to faithfully endure to the end?' 'What will death be like?' 'Will my family be prepared to stand in faith and be self-reliant when I am gone?'

We had the opportunity to discuss all three questions. They are clearly answered in the doctrine taught to us by our Savior. We discussed how he had spent his life striving to be faithful, to do what God asked of him, to be honest in his dealings with his fellowmen and all others, to care for and love his family. Isn’t that what is meant by enduring to the end? We talked about what happens immediately after death, about what God has taught us about the world of spirits. It is a place of paradise and happiness for those who have lived righteous lives. It is not something to fear.

After our conversation, he called together his wife and the extended family—children and grandchildren—to teach them again the doctrine of the Atonement that all will be resurrected. Everyone came to understand that just as the Lord has said, while there will be mourning at the temporary separation, there is no sorrow for those who die in the Lord (see Rev. 14:13; D&C 42:46). His blessing promised him comfort and reassurance that all would be well, that he would not have pain, that he would have additional time to prepare his family for his departure—even that he would know the time of his departure. The family related to me that on the night before he passed away, he said he would go on the morrow. He passed away the next afternoon at peace, with all his family at his side. This is the solace and comfort that comes to us when we understand the gospel plan and know that families are forever.

Contrast these events with an incident which happened to me when I was a young man in my early twenties. While serving in the Air Force, one of the pilots in my squadron crashed on a training mission and was killed. I was assigned to accompany my fallen comrade on his final journey home to be buried in Brooklyn. I had the honor of standing by his family during the viewing and funeral services and of representing our government in presenting the flag to his grieving widow at the graveside. The funeral service was dark and dismal. No mention was made of his goodness or his accomplishments. His name was never mentioned. At the conclusion of the services, his widow turned to me and asked, 'Bob, what is really going to happen to Don?' I was then able to give her the sweet doctrine of the Resurrection and the reality that, if baptized and sealed in the temple for time and all eternity, they could be together eternally. The clergyman standing next to her said, 'That is the most beautiful doctrine I have ever heard.'

The fulness of the gospel of Jesus Christ brings great comfort in stressing times of mortality. It brings light where there is darkness and a calming influence where there is turmoil. It gives eternal hope where there is mortal despair. It is more than just beautiful doctrine. It is a reality in our lives that if we can be obedient and obtain the eternal rewards that God grants us, if we will draw nigh unto Him and embrace the eternal doctrine, we will be blessed.

Another incident that has touched my life recently happened when a young man with a terminal illness passed away. He knew that his illness would first take away his manual dexterity and his ability to walk, then its progression would take his ability to speak, and finally his respiratory system would cease to function. But he also had faith that families are forever. With this knowledge, he spoke to each of his children through video recordings for use when he was gone. He produced recordings to be given to his sons and daughters at important, sacred occasions in their lives, such as baptisms, priesthood ordinations, and weddings. He spoke to them with the tender love of a father who knew that while his family was forever, for a time he would not physically be able to be with them, but spiritually he would never leave their side.

The examples of faith shown by steadfast widows and widowers, along with that of their children, after the passing of a spouse or parent are an inspiration to all of us. Great lessons can be learned as we observe their faith and obedience as they strive to remain faithful so that they can once again be together as families through eternity.

The knowledge and understanding of the doctrine that God lives and Jesus is the Christ and that we have an opportunity to be resurrected and live in the presence of God the Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, makes it possible to endure otherwise tragic events. This doctrine brings a brightness of hope into an otherwise dark and dreary world. It answers the simple questions of where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. These are truths that must be taught and practiced in our homes.


God lives. Jesus is the Christ. Through His Atonement we will all have the opportunity of being resurrected. This is not just an individual blessing; it is much more than that. It is a blessing to each one of us and to our families. That we may be eternally grateful, that we can live in the presence of God the Eternal Father and His Son Jesus Christ, that we may be together in the eternities to come, that we might understand the joy, and that we not only teach this doctrine but live true to it in our lives and in our families, is my prayer in the name of Jesus Christ, amen."

I am grateful that on May 23, 1992 in the Mesa Arizona temple I was sealed to my husband for time and all eternity. The path of eternal marriage is not always easy, but the blessings of the temple provide a perspective that helps us to overcome our trials and differences and continue on in faith. 

The Blessing of Work

Family Work

If there's one thing my kids will remember about their dad, it's that he works hard. Although they have never embraced his work ethic with enthusiasm, they respect his diligence and tenacity. The picture above is of a recent family work project. We had to spread mulch through the yard, and this picture was taken after a significant amount had already been done, so you can get an idea of the scope of the project. My 13 year old son, Jase, was not excited about the hours of shoveling and raking (and sneezing and coughing from the dust, etc.), but you could sense the satisfaction he felt at the end of the project. He was proud of his work and the effort he had given. 

A conference talk from 1982 by President Dean Jarman (a Stake President at the time) gave some fantastic insights on the value of family work:

I also loved the advice given by Elder L. Tom Perry in his talk "The Joy of Honest Labor": 

"Teaching children the joy of honest labor is one of the greatest of all gifts you can bestow upon them. I am convinced that one of the reasons for the breakup of so many couples today is the failure of parents to teach and train sons in their responsibility to provide and care for their families and to enjoy the challenge this responsibility brings. Many of us also have fallen short in instilling within our daughters the desire of bringing beauty and order into their homes through homemaking.

Oh, how essential it is that children be taught early in life the joy that comes from starting and fashioning a job that is the workmanship of their own hands. Teach children the joy of honest labor. Provide a foundation for life that builds confidence and fulfillment in each life. 'Happy is the man who has work he loves to do. … Happy is the man who loves the work he has to do' (Anonymous)."

Family work in the home is the means through which we acquire the work ethic that will be part of our character throughout our lives. But the work isn't the only valuable part of family work. Family work instills confidence. Family work bonds family members together as they work toward a common goal. Family work can teach responsibility and care for possessions. Family work helps children to avoid idleness that can lead to undesired behaviors. The value of family work is immeasurable!

Finding Strength in Trying Times

Facing Trials as a Family

Our family will never forget the December of 2009 when my husband unexpectedly lost his job. Our children were 3, 8, 13 and 17. Suddenly, our focus shifted from making our children's Christmas wishes come true to how we would be feeding and sheltering them. Although the 5 months of unemployment followed by 13 months of underemployment as he trained for his new position were a challenge, our family grew in our faith and our dependence on one another. We were more aware of the Lord's hand in our lives, and recognized the countless tender mercies that He bestowed upon us. One of the many experiences I will never forget was shortly after my husband was laid off. My daughter was invited to participate in a neighborhood ballet class taught by a young girl on our street. All of her little friends were going to be in the class, and the cost of the classes was minimal. She desperately wanted to participate.  The problem was that they were asked to buy ballet shoes, and a ballet leotard for the class. It was impossible for me to justify spending money on those items when Jason had no job. Days before the first class, a friend brought over some clothes that her daughter had outgrown. Inside the bag was a perfect pair of ballet slippers and several leotards. Some may think that this was just a lucky coincidence, but for me it was confirmation that the Lord is in the details of our lives, and He was very aware of our situation. 

President James E. Faust gave a talk entitled "The Refiners Fire".  This quote from that talk has brought me comfort and given me strength as I face my own trials:

"Into every life there come the painful, despairing days of adversity and buffeting. There seems to be a full measure of anguish, sorrow, and often heartbreak for everyone, including those who earnestly seek to do right and be faithful. The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength. For some, the refiner’s fire causes a loss of belief and faith in God, but those with eternal perspective understand that such refining is part of the perfection process."

I hope that I will always be able to maintain an eternal perspective through whatever I am asked to endure throughout my life. In our families, we can use our trials to help us develop more compassion for each other. We can depend more on each other. We can more fully recognize the love we have for each other, and the love that our Heavenly Father has for us.

Faith in Family Life

Faith is Like a Little Seed...

There are few greater joys that can be experienced by a parent than knowing that your children have developed a firm testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. The photo above is a reminder of the joy the gospel brings! Both of my oldest sons have had the opportunity to baptize their younger siblings. Watching one child make the decision to start on the path of covenants, and another child worthy after following the path for years to perform that ordinance is a beautiful thing. In "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" we read, 

"Happiness in family life is most likely to be achieved when founded upon the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ."

How can we establish a home that is filled with faith, and that encourages our children to walk the path of righteousness? Elder Richard G. Scott gives us four tools that will make our homes a safe haven in which faith can flourish.

Prayer
"The first tool is prayer. Choose to converse with your Father in Heaven often. Make time every day to share your thoughts and feelings with Him. Tell Him everything that concerns you. He is interested in the most important as well as the most mundane facets of your life. Share with Him your full range of feelings and experiences.

Because He respects your agency, Father in Heaven will never force you to pray to Him. But as you exercise that agency and include Him in every aspect of your daily life, your heart will begin to fill with peace, buoyant peace. That peace will focus an eternal light on your struggles. It will help you to manage those challenges from an eternal perspective.

Parents, help safeguard your children by arming them morning and night with the power of family prayer. Children are bombarded every day with the evils of lust, greed, pride, and a host of other sinful behaviors. Protect your children from daily worldly influences by fortifying them with the powerful blessings that result from family prayer. Family prayer should be a nonnegotiable priority in your daily life."

Scripture Study
"The second tool is to study the word of God in the scriptures and the words of the living prophets. We talk to God through prayer. He most often communicates back to us through His written word. To know what the voice of the Divine sounds and feels like, read His words, study the scriptures, and ponder them.5 Make them an integral part of everyday life. If you want your children to recognize, understand, and act on the promptings of the Spirit, you must study the scriptures with them.

Don’t yield to Satan’s lie that you don’t have time to study the scriptures. Choose to take time to study them. Feasting on the word of God each day is more important than sleep, school, work, television shows, video games, or social media. You may need to reorganize your priorities to provide time for the study of the word of God. If so, do it!

There are many prophetic promises of the blessings of daily studying the scriptures.6

I add my voice with this promise: as you dedicate time every day, personally and with your family, to the study of God’s word, peace will prevail in your life. That peace won’t come from the outside world. It will come from within your home, from within your family, from within your own heart. It will be a gift of the Spirit. It will radiate out from you to influence others in the world around you. You will be doing something very significant to add to the cumulative peace in the world.

I do not declare that your life will cease to have challenges. Remember when Adam and Eve were in the garden, they were free from challenges, yet they were unable to experience happiness, joy, and peace.7 Challenges are an important part of mortality. Through daily, consistent scripture study, you will find peace in the turmoil around you and strength to resist temptations. You will develop strong faith in the grace of God and know that through the Atonement of Jesus Christ all will be made right according to God’s timing."

Family Home Evening
"While you are working to strengthen your family and cultivate peace, remember this third tool: weekly family home evening. Be cautious not to make your family home evening just an afterthought of a busy day. Decide that on Monday night your family will be together at home for the evening. Do not let employment demands, sports, extracurricular activities, homework, or anything else become more important than that time you spend together at home with your family.

The structure of your evening is not as important as the time invested. The gospel should be taught both formally and informally. Make it a meaningful experience for each member of the family. Family home evening is a precious time to bear testimony in a safe environment; to learn teaching, planning, and organizational skills; to strengthen family bonds; to develop family traditions; to talk to each other; and more important, to have a marvelous time together!

At last April’s conference, Sister Linda S. Reeves boldly declared: 'I must testify of the blessings of daily scripture study and prayer and weekly family home evening. These are the very practices that help take away stress, give direction to our lives, and add protection to our homes.'8 Sister Reeves is a very wise woman. I strongly urge you to earn your own testimony of these three crucial habits."

Temple Attendance
"The fourth tool is to go to the temple. We all know there is no more peaceful place on this earth than in the temples of God. If you don’t have a temple recommend, qualify to get one. When you have a recommend, use it often.9 Schedule a regular time to be in the temple. Don’t let anyone or anything prevent you from being there.

While you are in the temple, listen to the words of the ordinances, ponder them, pray about them, and seek to understand their meaning. The temple is one of the best places to come to understand the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Seek Him there. Remember that many more blessings come from providing your own family names in the temple."

Using these tools in no way guarantees that we will have a home free of trial or hardship. What is guaranteed is that as we faithfully use these tools, we will be better equipped to ride out the storms of life with our faith intact, and our testimonies firm. 

Wholesome Family Recreation

F is for FUN!

Having fun and creating memories as a family is incredibly important! I know that the memories we have created through spending relaxed, fun time together have brought our family closer together, and created fantastic memories and traditions that will last for generations! We love reminiscing about fun family vacations. When we are all together, the conversation often turns to a fun memory from one of our trips. We haven't done many extravagant vacations, but just taking time away from the stresses of work and school to focus on enjoying each other has strengthened our family bond. All of my children agree that they like spending resources on experiences over things. 

I have children ranging in age from 8 to 22. It has been a challenge for me to steer my younger children away from electronic devices and encourage them to engage in outdoor recreational activities. Most of the time I feel that I fall short of my desire to keep them engaged in outdoor or creative activities. Elder D. Todd Christofferson said:

“Music, literature, art, dance, drama, athletics—all can provide entertainment to enrich one’s life and further consecrate it. At the same time, it hardly needs to be said that much of what passes for entertainment today is coarse, degrading, violent, mind-numbing, and time wasting. Ironically, it sometimes takes hard work to find wholesome leisure.”

This is true- it does take hard work! This article by Ann H. Steel gives some helpful do's and don'ts for encouraging children to have a healthy, balanced lifestyle: 

Do

Do start with fun

"It can be more fun to add new activities into your children’s lives than limiting or taking away their technology. Often kids view their screens as the most pleasurable activity in their life so we should start by offering healthy yet enticing options. Make a family event of brainstorming and come up with a list for everyone of activities they previously enjoyed or have always wanted to try. Research unusual hobbies together and take advantage of wildlife organizations, zoos, aquariums, or nature foundations in your area. Filling the day with stimulating activities before we even limit technology means there is even less time available for sitting at a screen indoors."

Do set limits on technology use

"Advice from the experts is very consistent; allow age-appropriate media content and limit the time spent with entertainment technology. The American Academy of Pediatrics guidelines recommend limiting the amount of total entertainment screen time for all children to less than one to two hours per day. Entertainment screen time or technology includes anything involving a screen that is not specifically related to work or academics. This includes computers, laptops, handheld devices, iPods, TV sets, console video games, online gaming, streaming videos, general reading or surfing, and social networking. Investigate software monitoring and blocking. Discuss the new rules in a positive way at a family meeting."

Do arrange your environment for success

"It is easier to avoid junk food if you can’t find it in the cupboards. And you can set up your home and yard to be more friendly for non-tech activities. Take all screens out of kid’s bedrooms and have a central place where everyone’s cell phones sleep at night. Keep televisions and video game consoles out of sight and make family meals and conversations tech-free. Put fun exercise equipment in easy-to-access places in the garage or yard. Provide as much equipment for outdoor games and sports as you can afford. Allow kids access to tools to build their own games, ramps, mazes, tree house, or fort. Look into getting pets or urban chickens or try your hand at gardening. With a rich outdoor environment, and limited technology indoors, your children can re-discover the true joys of childhood."

Do monitor your family’s progress

"Setting a goal, monitoring progress, and rewarding accomplishments will help your kids succeed. Losing ten pounds, identifying five new birds, hiking to a favorite lake, or learning a new hip hop move are all examples of healthy goals. You can use star charts, calendars, or apps and websites to track progress or connect with others working towards the same goals. Rewards should be parent-approved but fun for the child, and getting the whole family involved will foster a great sense of connection."

Do model a healthy lifestyle

"We can’t expect kids to live an active, balanced life if parents don’t model these healthy behaviors. It can be eye-opening to track your own computer or cell phone use. How many hours per day are you engaged in non-work related technology time? Have you thought about cutting down? Do you find that despite all the modern technological conveniences you feel more stressed than ever? Model a lifestyle that has a healthy balance of quality family time, work, hobbies, exercise, relaxation, exposure to nature and community, or spiritual involvement. This is a great way to care for yourself and your children as well."

Don't

Do not use technology as a reward

"It is very common for parents to use computer time or video game play as the reward for doing homework, or as a bribe for doing undesirable activities such as chores. Unfortunately, because the internet can be so pleasurable this may actually activate the same pleasure and reward centers in the brain that are involved in addictions. Parenting experts warn against rewarding kids for doing their expected jobs (such as homework and chores) with candy or cash, and the same reasoning applies to media and entertainment technology. Every family should establish clear rules about technology use that are fair, consistent, and in line with their values. These could include a rule that all non-school and non-work use of the computer for every family member happens when the important parts of our day are completed, including exercise and outdoor play. That will help you avoid statements such as “If you do your homework you can have two hours of video game time.” Developing this new pattern will help your children improve their own internal desire to be productive which increases their self esteem. It may also reduce the association between pleasure and entertainment technology use and allow them to find passion in other activities."

Do not try and do this alone

"Online gaming, social media, and internet time can be very alluring to children. Suggesting healthier, outdoor activities may be met with resistance such as complaints that parents just don’t understand the younger generation, or even anger. Definitely enlist help. The most important step is that all parent figures in the home be on the same page. Parent conflict over technology use is one of the main reasons this new plan can fail. Try to find common ground on which you can agree. Then use the “village” approach. Talk to your relatives, neighbors, friends, church, or PTA about the problem of getting kids outdoors. Brainstorm with community groups, clubs, coaches, and parks departments about programs that foster healthy activities. One of the most successful group approaches can be talking with the parents of your children’s friends. If your child’s peers are involved in healthy activities they will be more likely to go along. Don’t be afraid to share the challenges you are experiencing in your own family. Collaborate with like-minded parents to plan get-togethers that are tech-free. Using this community approach should greatly improve your success."

Do not nag or criticize

"We love our children and want the best for them, and when they don’t make healthy choices in life it can be very frustrating. Often parents get into a cycle of repeating advice 'Sitting all day at a computer isn’t good for your health, you really need to get outside more.' If you have nagged them in the past, your kids are very aware of your feelings on the subject. Continued advice, nagging or criticism will only increase the conflict between you which is stressful for everyone. Instead, express empathy and focus on what they are doing that is positive. 'I know how difficult it is to spend less time with the video game you love. I am so proud of you for walking the dog this week.' Changing the pattern of your interactions can be difficult, but over time this empathetic, positive approach will help your child trust you and ultimately lead to a happier, more collaborative family life."

Do not underestimate the risks of excessive technology use

"In order to motivate children to get outside or exercise it is helpful to fully understand the risks of not making these changes. Most technology use is sedentary and this lifestyle is linked to obesity and cardiovascular problems. In addition, over three hours per day of entertainment screen time is considered excessive, and is associated with depression, anxiety, social phobias, poor school performance, and sleep changes. Unfortunately, at least eight percent of American children may truly be addicted to their online activities."

Do not expect a quick fix

"Change takes time. If your family has not had rules about screen media, or has not made an effort to get the kids involved outside in nature or other healthy activities, try to remember that this is a long-term project. Behavior experts know that it can take two months or more for new habits to become automatic. For kids who have spent most of their day with technology or who have lost interest in other hobbies, many families find it takes four or more months for the child to become engaged in the new lifestyle. But healthy kids are worth the effort!"

Disciplining With Love

Love and Limits

Anyone reading this that knows me, knows that I am not the most effective disciplinarian in the world. I often joke that without my husband to keep them in line, my children would probably grow up to be sociopaths due to the lack of limits in their lives! I pray each day that the love and interest that I have for/in them will compensate for my parenting failings!

In an Ensign Magazine article entitled "A Thousand Threads of Love", President James E. Faust underscores the challenges that face parents:

"In my opinion, the teaching, rearing, and training of children requires more intelligence, intuitive understanding, humility, strength, wisdom, spirituality, perseverance, and hard work than any other challenge we might have in life. This is especially so when moral foundations of honor and decency are eroding around us. For us to have successful homes, values must be taught, and there must be rules, there must be standards, there must be absolutes. Many societies give parents very little support in teaching and honoring moral values. A number of cultures are becoming essentially valueless, and many of the younger people in those societies are becoming moral cynics."

How can we effectively teach our children correct behavior and moral principles while providing a loving, nurturing environment? The textbook for a class I'm taking about The Family, A Proclamation to the World outlines what must be present in a home to promote optimal development. 

• Love, warmth, and support
• Clear and reasonable expectations for competent behavior
• Limits and boundaries with some room for negotiation and compromise
• Reasoning and developmentally appropriate consequences and punishments for breaching established limits
• Opportunities to perform competently and make choices
• Absence of coercive, hostile forms of discipline, such as harsh physical punishment, love withdrawal, shaming and inflicting guilt
• Models of appropriate behavior consistent with self-control, positive values, and positive attitudes   (Hawkins, A. (2012). Parenting with Love, Limits, and Latitude. In Successful marriages and families: Proclamation principles and research perspectives (p. 105). Provo, Utah: BYU Studies and School of Family Life, Brigham Young University.)

In my experiences as a mother for the past 22 years, the most valuable parenting advice I would offer is to work hard to see your children for what they can become, and treat them as if that is who they are now. Children tend to meet your expectations- whether high or low. When we are genuinely interested in them, and listen to their thoughts and feelings, they are more likely to listen when we reach out to teach them important principles, and to have a desire to obey our council. 

Fatherhood

The Power of a Good Father

Growing up, I had a great relationship with my dad. He traveled quite a bit in my teenage years, but he often took my mom and I with him. I always knew he was proud of me, and I never, ever questioned his love for me. In fact, I learned that I had to be careful about mentioning anything I wanted, or my dad would move heaven and earth to give it to me! I have always been independent and confident in my ability to take care of myself. Thinking about it as an adult, I know that the security my dad provided helped me to develop those qualities. 

I recently read a talk given by Ezra Taft Benson entitled "To the Fathers in Israel". This is a fabulous guide outlining the expectations for a righteous father. In this talk, he outlined 10 things that fathers should to do be the spiritual leaders in their homes.

"With love in my heart for the fathers in Israel, may I suggest ten specific ways that fathers can give spiritual leadership to their children:

1. Give father’s blessings to your children. Baptize and confirm your children. Ordain your sons to the priesthood. These will become spiritual highlights in the lives of your children.

2. Personally direct family prayers, daily scripture reading, and weekly family home evenings. Your personal involvement will show your children how important these activities really are.

3. Whenever possible, attend Church meetings together as a family. Family worship under your leadership is vital to your children’s spiritual welfare.

4. Go on daddy-daughter dates and father-and-sons’ outings with your children. As a family, go on campouts and picnics, to ball games and recitals, to school programs, and so forth. Having Dad there makes all the difference.

5. Build traditions of family vacations and trips and outings. These memories will never be forgotten by your children.

6. Have regular one-on-one visits with your children. Let them talk about what they would like to. Teach them gospel principles. Teach them true values. Tell them you love them. Personal time with your children tells them where Dad puts his priorities.

7. Teach your children to work, and show them the value of working toward a worthy goal. Establishing mission funds and education funds for your children shows them what Dad considers to be important.

8. Encourage good music and art and literature in your homes. Homes that have a spirit of refinement and beauty will bless the lives of your children forever.

9. As distances allow, regularly attend the temple with your wife. Your children will then better understand the importance of temple marriage and temple vows and the eternal family unit.

10. Have your children see your joy and satisfaction in service to the Church. This can become contagious to them, so they, too, will want to serve in the Church and will love the kingdom."

Motherhood

The Joys of Motherhood

It is impossible to describe the joy that is felt when a baby is placed in your arms for the first time. I remember wondering how one person could possibly love another so much. When I think back through my life, there has never been anyone who was more loyal, more kind, or more encouraging than my mother. She always thought that I was the smartest, the prettiest, the most talented. What a blessing to have been nurtured by someone who counted her children as her greatest blessing, and loved the responsibility of being in the home. 

In the last General Conference, Elder Holland gave a magnificent talk about the influence of a righteous mother. I cried like a baby through the whole talk, and felt more committed to the sacred responsibility that has been placed upon me. 

 Behold Thy Mother

By Elder Jeffrey R. Holland

Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

May I join with all of you in welcoming Elder Ronald A. Rasband, Elder Gary E. Stevenson, and Elder Dale G. Renlund and their wives to the sweetest association they could possibly imagine.

Prophesying of the Savior’s Atonement, Isaiah wrote, “He hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows.” A majestic latter-day vision emphasized that “[Jesus] came into the world … to bear the sins of the world.” Both ancient and modern scripture testify that “he redeemed them, and bore them, and carried them all the days of old.” A favorite hymn pleads with us to “hear your great Deliv’rer’s voice!”

Bear, borne, carry, deliver. These are powerful, heartening messianic words. They convey help and hope for safe movement from where we are to where we need to be—but cannot get without assistance. These words also connote burden, struggle, and fatigue—words most appropriate in describing the mission of Him who, at unspeakable cost, lifts us up when we have fallen, carries us forward when strength is gone, delivers us safely home when safety seems far beyond our reach. “My Father sent me,” He said, “that I might be lifted up upon the cross; … that as I have been lifted up … even so should men be lifted up … to … me.”

But can you hear in this language another arena of human endeavor in which we use words like bear and borne, carry and lift, labor and deliver? As Jesus said to John while in the very act of Atonement, so He says to us all, “Behold thy mother!”

Today I declare from this pulpit what has been said here before: that no love in mortality comes closer to approximating the pure love of Jesus Christ than the selfless love a devoted mother has for her child. When Isaiah, speaking messianically, wanted to convey Jehovah’s love, he invoked the image of a mother’s devotion. “Can a woman forget her sucking child?” he asks. How absurd, he implies, though not as absurd as thinking Christ will ever forget us.

This kind of resolute love “suffereth long, and is kind, … seeketh not her own, … but … beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things.” Most encouraging of all, such fidelity “never faileth.” “For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed,” Jehovah said, “but my kindness shall not depart from thee.” So too say our mothers.

You see, it is not only that they bear us, but they continue bearing with us. It is not only the prenatal carrying but the lifelong carrying that makes mothering such a staggering feat. Of course, there are heartbreaking exceptions, but most mothers know intuitively, instinctively that this is a sacred trust of the highest order. The weight of that realization, especially on young maternal shoulders, can be very daunting.

A wonderful young mother recently wrote to me: “How is it that a human being can love a child so deeply that you willingly give up a major portion of your freedom for it? How can mortal love be so strong that you voluntarily subject yourself to responsibility, vulnerability, anxiety, and heartache and just keep coming back for more of the same? What kind of mortal love can make you feel, once you have a child, that your life is never, ever your own again? Maternal love has to be divine. There is no other explanation for it. What mothers do is an essential element of Christ’s work. Knowing that should be enough to tell us the impact of such love will range between unbearable and transcendent, over and over again, until with the safety and salvation of the very last child on earth, we can [then] say with Jesus, ‘[Father!] I have finished the work which thou gavest me to do.’ ”

With the elegance of that letter echoing in our minds, let me share three experiences reflecting the majestic influence of mothers, witnessed in my ministry in just the past few weeks:

My first account is a cautionary one, reminding us that not every maternal effort has a storybook ending, at least not immediately. That reminder stems from my conversation with a beloved friend of more than 50 years who was dying away from this Church he knew in his heart to be true. No matter how much I tried to comfort him, I could not seem to bring him peace. Finally he leveled with me. “Jeff,” he said, “however painful it is going to be for me to stand before God, I cannot bear the thought of standing before my mother. The gospel and her children meant everything to her. I know I have broken her heart, and that is breaking mine.”

Now, I am absolutely certain that upon his passing, his mother received my friend with open, loving arms; that is what parents do. But the cautionary portion of this story is that children can break their mothers’ heart. Here too we see another comparison with the divine. I need not remind us that Jesus died of a broken heart, one weary and worn out from bearing the sins of the world. So in any moment of temptation, may we “behold [our] mother” as well as our Savior and spare them both the sorrow of our sinning.

Secondly, I speak of a young man who entered the mission field worthily but by his own choice returned home early due to same-sex attraction and some trauma he experienced in that regard. He was still worthy, but his faith was at crisis level, his emotional burden grew ever heavier, and his spiritual pain was more and more profound. He was by turns hurt, confused, angry, and desolate.

His mission president, his stake president, his bishop spent countless hours searching and weeping and blessing him as they held on to him, but much of his wound was so personal that he kept at least parts of it beyond their reach. The beloved father in this story poured his entire soul into helping this child, but his very demanding employment circumstance meant that often the long, dark nights of the soul were faced by just this boy and his mother. Day and night, first for weeks, then for months that turned into years, they sought healing together. Through periods of bitterness (mostly his but sometimes hers) and unending fear (mostly hers but sometimes his), she bore—there’s that beautiful, burdensome word again—she bore to her son her testimony of God’s power, of His Church, but especially of His love for this child. In the same breath she testified of her own uncompromised, undying love for him as well. To bring together those two absolutely crucial, essential pillars of her very existence—the gospel of Jesus Christ and her family—she poured out her soul in prayer endlessly. She fasted and wept, she wept and fasted, and then she listened and listened as this son repeatedly told her of how his heart was breaking. Thus she carried him—again—only this time it was not for nine months. This time she thought that laboring through the battered landscape of his despair would take forever.

But with the grace of God, her own tenacity, and the help of scores of Church leaders, friends, family members, and professionals, this importuning mother has seen her son come home to the promised land. Sadly we acknowledge that such a blessing does not, or at least has not yet, come to all parents who anguish over a wide variety of their children’s circumstances, but here there was hope. And, I must say, this son’s sexual orientation did not somehow miraculously change—no one assumed it would. But little by little, his heart changed.

He started back to church. He chose to partake of the sacrament willingly and worthily. He again obtained a temple recommend and accepted a call to serve as an early-morning seminary teacher, where he was wonderfully successful. And now, after five years, he has, at his own request and with the Church’s considerable assistance, reentered the mission field to complete his service to the Lord. I have wept over the courage, integrity, and determination of this young man and his family to work things out and to help him keep his faith. He knows he owes much to many, but he knows he owes the most to two messianic figures in his life, two who bore him and carried him, labored with him and delivered him—his Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, and his determined, redemptive, absolutely saintly mother.

Lastly, this from the rededication of the Mexico City Mexico Temple just three weeks ago. It was there with President Henry B. Eyring that we saw our beloved friend Lisa Tuttle Pieper stand in that moving dedicatory service. But she stood with some difficulty because with one arm she was holding up her beloved but severely challenged daughter, Dora, while with the other she was trying to manipulate Dora’s dysfunctional right hand so this limited but eternally precious daughter of God could wave a white handkerchief and, with groans intelligible only to herself and the angels of heaven, cry out, “Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna to God and the Lamb.”

To all of our mothers everywhere, past, present, or future, I say, “Thank you. Thank you for giving birth, for shaping souls, for forming character, and for demonstrating the pure love of Christ.” To Mother Eve, to Sarah, Rebekah, and Rachel, to Mary of Nazareth, and to a Mother in Heaven, I say, “Thank you for your crucial role in fulfilling the purposes of eternity.” To all mothers in every circumstance, including those who struggle—and all will—I say, “Be peaceful. Believe in God and yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. In fact, you are saviors on Mount Zion, and like the Master you follow, your love ‘never faileth.’ ” I can pay no higher tribute to anyone. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.