We're Married!
Now What?
Being a newlywed was a time of fun and joy, and also a time of big adjustments for Jason and I. We came from very different backgrounds, and had experienced very different examples of what marriage was like. I wish that we would have sought out more resources to help us to make the most of our transition into married life! Here is some great information to help you successfully navigate your marital journey!
Combining the work of leading scholars who study healthy marriages, and the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Stephen F. Duncan and Sara S. McCarty Zasukha have determined six foundational processes that are present in successful marriages.
Foundational Process #1:
Personal Commitment to the Marriage Covenant
Elder Bruce C. Hafen described the difference between a covenant relationship and a contractual relationship:
"When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through. They marry to give and to grow, bound by covenants to each other, to the community, and to God. Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent. Enough and to spare. Each gives enough to caver any shortfall by the other."
When I think about total commitment to a spouse, I often am reminded of this touching video:
Foundational Process #2:
Love and Friendship
How can couples nurture love and friendship? The authors suggest four ways:
- Get in sync with your partner's love preferences- Find out how your partner likes to receive love, and then do those things often.
- Talk as friends-Have daily stress-reducing, validating conversation as friends, not family business partners.
- Respond to bids for connection-A bid can be a question, a look, a gesture, a touch- any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you."
- Set goals for couple interaction-Couples can turn toward each other in many ways every day.
Positive Interaction
In an article in the Ensign magazine entitled "Bringing Out the Best in Marriage", Val R. Christensen related this story:
I was particularly intrigued by one woman. In high school she had been a very shy person, not particularly popular with the fellows. Now she appeared as a strikingly attractive, enthusiastic woman. Her spiritual and emotional growth were equally obvious. Throughout the evening I observed the interaction between this woman and her husband, and it soon became apparent why she reflected such a peaceful and beautiful countenance. She had been blessed with a partner who was positive and supportive, and both of them had developed through the years into extremely mature and happy people.
Close observation leads me to believe that the growth of individuals after marriage is largely dependent upon the positive or negative attitude of their partner. Indeed, what you think of your wife or husband can determine to a great degree what she or he becomes. Your partner can become a slave and a grouch, or a productive and charming person. You both progress according to the way you treat each other."
Foundational Process #4:
Accepting Influence from One's Spouse
According to the authors, accepting influence means "counseling with and listening to one's spouse, respecting and considering his or her opinions as valid as one's own, and compromising when making decisions together."
In an Ensign magazine article entitled "Counseling Together in Marriage," author Randy Keyes gives advice to married couples on ways to experience unity in decision making and counsels.
"The principle of unity is true for priesthood councils, and it is true for marriages. The Brethren have taught that the family council is the basic council of the Church. Notice that they have not taught that the husband is the most basic council or that the wife is the most basic council. This council consists of both of them together. It is not uncommon for couples to struggle in coming to a unanimous decision, especially when the issue at hand is significant. Further, when spouses are more concerned with being right than with gaining consensus, 'communication with Heavenly Father breaks down, [and] communication between spouses also breaks down. And Heavenly Father will not interfere. He doesn’t generally intrude where He is not invited.' The key is to actually invite—rather than exclude—our Heavenly Father into our discussions. If we humbly work together and listen to each other, we gain the essential blessing of the Lord’s guidance...The principle of participation teaches us the importance of having both spouses contribute to the decision-making process. It is not enough for one spouse to make all the decisions and the other to merely agree. Couples achieve greater success as they both seek inspiration and then listen to each other’s thoughts and feelings..The principles of unity, participation, and presiding in righteousness allow us to reach a proper consensus with our spouse and invite the Spirit into our lives. Applying the virtues of love and kindness will soften many arguments, lead to deeper satisfaction in marriage, and build a relationship that can last through eternity."
Foundational Process #5:
Respectfully Handle Differences and Solve Problems
In the Family Home Evening Resource Manual, we learn about resolving conflict in marriage:
"Sometimes in our desire to have an ideal marriage, we set unrealistic goals and expectations for our spouses. When they do not meet our demands, we may forget their agency and harbor resentments, becoming blind to our part in marital problems. We think that only our spouses are at fault, and we justify our feelings because of what they have done to us. Elder Carlos E. Asay reminded us to avoid contention:
'Do not contend or debate over points of doctrine. The Master warned that ‘the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil.’ (3 Nephi 11:29.) We are inconsistent if we resort to Satanic tactics in attempting to achieve righteous ends. Such inconsistency results only in frustration, loss of the Spirit, and ultimate defeat.'(Carlos E. Asay, in Conference Report, Oct. 1981, p. 93; or Ensign, Nov. 1981, p. 68.)
In resolving conflicts in marriage, we must concentrate on our own weaknesses. Elder Neal A. Maxwell, in discussing how to fellowship inactive members, noted a principle important to each of us, particularly to spouses:
'If the choice is between reforming other Church members or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others—not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.' (In Conference Report, Apr. 1982, p. 57; or Ensign, May 1982, p. 39.)"
Becoming defensive will never lead a discussion in a positive direction. We must respectfully listen, and give our partner the benefit of the doubt.
Foundational Process #6:
Continuing Courtship Through the Years
The authors outline some things that couples can do to keep courtship alive in a marriage:
- Attend to the little things
- Be intentional about doing things every day to enrich the marriage
- Spend at least five hours a week strengthening your relationship
" If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by. Eternal marriage is just like that. We need to treat it just that way."
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